Black-Eyed BlackBerry

Here's what I think of the new BlackBerry RIM.It's a phone.

Nobody is going to camp out in front of a store, like some rock-band groupie, to buy it.

Nobody is going to win a happy-hour debate over which phone is better: the BlackBerry Z10, the Apple iPhone 5, the Galaxy S III by Samsung, the Lumia 920 by Nokia, or even the Nexus 4, which runs Google's  Android operating system.

They are all cool. They all have apps and features most people will never use.

Smartphone technology has swiftly reached the point where most future improvements will be incremental. This means that from now on launches of new smartphones will be about as exciting as the latest operating system from Microsoft  . This means the primary reason to buy a new smartphone is because you just dropped yours in the toilet.

I have long hoped someone would come out with a smartphone with a built-in Taser. If some long-unemployed thug tries to rob you because he needs to eat, too, you reach for your cellphone, because you can still afford to sign a wireless contract, and zap him. This is my answer to gun control. Unfortunately, it's a bit flawed since most consumers would probably pick up the phone when it rang and tase themselves in the head.

Research In Motion—perhaps in one of its last dying gasps—unveiled two new smartphones last week, the Z10 and the Q10, which run on its BB10 operating system. For the most part, tech-savvy reviewers say these are pretty cool phones. For the most part, market-savvy analysts say they are too late to market.

"Expect a muted consumer response due to [RIM's] damaged brand image," wrote analysts at Evercore Partners  .

RIM stock slid 12% on Wednesday, the day of its big launch, and continued to soften through the week.

The company's plans to change its name to BlackBerry drew a collective yawn. What's a BlackBerry, again? Apple had nearly driven the BlackBerry to extinction, so this was like renaming the company Betamax.

What really soured the market was the announcement that the new BlackBerrys would not be available in the U.S. until March. Typically, technology is obsolete the second you buy it off the shelf. March?

Unlike most analysts and market observers, though, I would like to applaud RIM for at least trying to stage a comeback. Lesser companies would have rolled over and died by now. Still, I think they would have had a better shot if their new products were available in the next few days following the Super Bowl.

SquareTrade, a cellphone protection-plan provider based in San Francisco, released a study last week showing that 23 million Americans have damaged cellphones or tablets while watching sports.

This is mostly due to fumbles, which break down like this: The standard drop from the hand, 33%; liquid drops, including toilets, sweat and water spills, 18%; beer drops, 13%; passion drops, or devices thrown in anger or excitement, 12%; bar drops, or devices falling from bars or tables, 8%.

Ravens fans are most at risk for a fumble. The study said they are 14% clumsier than 49ers fans. It said 27% of Ravens fans have had a cellphone accident in the past 12 months versus 23% for 49ers fans.

This is a huge market opportunity. BlackBerry just missed it.

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